How Tech Leaders & Venture Capitalists Can Get Out of Our “Man Box”
If I had just one wish for VCs it would be that they would preview the Ted Bunch “Man Box” talk at the Upfront Summit at their Monday Partner Meetings. I would love it if startup leadership teams would preview it to their executive leadership.
We need to learn from women and listen to them. We also need to start having a conversation amongst men about how men talk and behave and about the silence that leads to consent if we’re going to make necessary changes.
Ted is from a non-profit organization called “A Call to Men” whose mission is
“A world in which all men and boys are loving and respectful and all women and girls are valued and safe.”
I have seen Ted speak multiple times because he was also the lead speaker in the #TimesUp movement in Hollywood event that I was invited to in which the goal was to spur a conversation with men about how we talk and behave in the workplace. He is a very effective communicator with a very important message so we invited him to speak with the 450 VCs and LPs that we had at our investor day at the Upfront Summit.
We also invited Anne-Marie Slaughter to talk to us about “What Real Equality Looks Like” and she was equally incredible but I’ll save her messages for a separate post but if you can’t wait I have linked to her video in the title above. In Ted’s words, “We’re not here to save or rescue women. Women don’t need to be saved or rescued. Women are competent at taking care of themselves.” Our goal in this conversation was for a man to talk to other men about how we teach other men to behave.
The video is embedded below and I sincerely hope you’ll watch it both because it’s important and because I could never do it justice in a blog, but I’ll give you his key points as best I can in this post.
One of Ted’s messages to men is that while the overwhelming majority of men are not violent towards women and don’t condone harassment they are often silent about the way that woman are treated in the workplace. He argues that the silence of men at meetings or in front of other men at “the water cooler” when a sexist joke is told sends a message that it’s ok. Men will say about a woman, “She’s probably on her period” if she seems angry but other men seldom call him out on saying this. And every man reading this knows that this and other slights are said when women aren’t around.
“We’re really the first generation of men to be held accountable for behavior that men have always gotten away with. It’s overdue. It’s time. ”
Ted’s message is that our generation needs to figure out how norms are changing and quickly because we’re going to be held accountable for actions that we’ve always witnessed men getting away with. What might have been tolerated in the 60’s / 70’s / 80’s / 90’s in the workplace will no longer be tolerated and this is a good thing.
Ted’s message is that as men we are raised to stay within what he calls, “A Man Box: Show no fear, no pain, no weakness. Man up. Be tough. Be strong. Be aggressive. Act like a man. Don’t show any emotions except anger.
You can’t say “you hurt my feelings” to another man. You can only say, “I’m pissed.” By the time boys go to elementary school they’re told not to cry. We’re telling them to “shut it down.” Stop being a baby. Man up. Quit acting like a girl.
If we disparage girls when criticizing boys then what message are we sending to boys about what it means to be a girl? When we tell boys “Don’t throw like a girl” it sends a message to a 6-year-old girl that they are somehow “less than us” and it leads to a socialization of this in young men.
And he asks, “When do we tell our girls to stop crying?” Never. We let women show emotions, be vulnerable and talk about feelings.
Keeping men in the “Man Box” means that men lack the tools required to deal with their feelings and instead of dealing with primary feelings like embarrassment, shame, fear or hurt feelings we go straight to anger.
“Men die younger because of the manifestations of stress that we haven’t learned how to let go of.”
Ted talks about the objectifications of women and the violence we use as young men in talking about women, “I’d like to hit that.” Violence. Crush it. Beat it up. Smash it.
“We’re taught to objectify our girls and we pass that down to our boys.”
He tells the story of three boys who cat call out to girls when they walk by. If the boys notice the father or brother of one of the girls nearby they won’t say anything. What he points out is that men learn to respect other men but not respect women. We don’t stop the cat-calling out of respect for the woman but the man that she’s attached to.
In both groups where I saw Ted tell this story every man looked knowingly. We all know that young men wouldn’t speak up about a girl with her father around. It’s only when you’re forced to acknowledge the socialization of this bad behavior from the youngest of ages you realize that we’ve all been conditioned to it our whole lives and we need to break the cycle in our own boys.
“A real man” is taught he needs to be: Strong. Decisive. Tough. Courageous. A provider. Respect.
“A good man” is: Honest. Caring. Loving. Gentle.
Ted really has an impact on audiences and if you think he could benefit your organization please reach out. You can email info@acalltomen.org and follow them on Twitter at @ACalltoMen
And here are some other videos you can watch:
About A CALL TO MEN
What is the Man Box?
A CALL TO MEN’s LIVERESPECT Curriculum
Tony Porter’s highly acclaimed TED Talk
